Recipe for a Josie

Recipe for a Josie

NOT SUITABLE FOR VEGETARIANS

Ingredients:

- A generous dollop of bookwormishness

- Three table spoons of growth hormone

- A healthy appetite for Ikea meatballs (as well as forty frozen Ikea meatballs)

- 2 large eggs

- 1 enormous jar of Nutella

- A dash of social awkwardness

- Ground black pepper

- Black eye liner

- 100 goosebumps

- 2 splashes of gormlessness

- Nerdy qualities

- A squirt of happiness

- Friends and family

- Slight Twitter addiction

- Love of music

- Denim

- Large glasses

 

Preparation Method:

1. Before starting, ensure the oven is at a low heat. Anything higher than 20 degrees Celsius will cause your Josie to become spoiled and lumpy. Leave to preheat. If you are cooking Josie on the hob, DO NOT bring to the boil.
2. In a very large mixing bowl (anything taller than 5ft 11” will do)- mix together the Nutella and all of the Ikea meatballs.
3. Once the meatballs have been evenly distributed throughout the chocolate spread, add the eggs. If you want the Josie you are baking to be especially annoyed, add another egg to make her even more eggy.
4. Once the mixture starts to look smooth, add all of the growth hormone and social awkwardness. If you're hoping to make a younger version of Josie, now is the time to add a sprinkle of painfully-shy-salt.
5. If the mixture tastes a little bland at this point, add a teaspoon of pepper. It should taste a little fiery and have a slight kick to it.
6. Fold the bookwormishness and slight Twitter addiction into the mixture carefully.
7. Love of music should be added at this stage. Toss in as many bands/artists as you like. Your Josie isn't fussy, so long as there's no heavy metal.
8. For authenticity, add the goosebumps. Josies should be terrified of everything from ghost stories to horror films, no matter whether they are for children or not. If your Josie is not freaked out by Roald Dahl's The Witches, you have added too few goosebumps.
9. At this point your Josie may be looking fairly alert, so drop in the splashes of gormlessness. This is particularly important for when Josie is watching TV, as she must look soulless and have her mouth hanging open as though catching flies.
10. Beat together the mixture, adding nerdy qualities one teaspoon at a time until they are all used up.
11. Make sure your Josie is smiling by adding a squirt of happiness at this point.
12. Add friends and family and mix well. These are important as they are what will keep your Josie in one piece: without either of these things, she may start to crumble during cooking.
13. The consistency should now be doughy, so on a greaseproof surface, use a rolling pin to roll out the Josie. Make sure the mixture is still quite thick, since no Josie likes to be spread too thinly.
14. To guarantee your Josie will bake properly, before putting her in the oven remove all excess chunks of sportiness. The mixture should be free of any desire to partake in sporting activities of any kind – especially football.
15. Place on a large, greased baking tray and leave to bake for the number of years you desire. For added precision, be sure to take her out on the first of February, as this is the time of year your Josie will be the happiest – her birthday.
16. Remove from oven and leave to stand. If Josie is not given a cooling off period after a heated discussion, things can only go badly for one person. (You).
17. To decorate, ice on a sense of humour and outline the eyes of your Josie with black eye liner. No Josie is ever seen out in public without a flick of black at the outer corners of her eyes.
18. If you would like to dress the Josie, place an item of denim on her person (e.g. jacket, jeans, shorts) and a pair of large glasses on her nose. It is very important that they are pushed up to the top of her nose, and not perched on the end of it.

Recipes you may like to try
in the future...

Writer's Delight Josie
French Fancy Josie
Taste of the World Josie